How I hate Deepak Chopra

Different things spark off migraines in different people. An allergy to the smell of onions. A sharp strike to the temple with a refrigerated dessert-spoon. Kryptonite. That sort of thing.

For me, flickering vision and an abrupt and piercingly painful torsion of the optic nerve are the infallible signs of having received a press release announcing a new book by Mitch Albom, Paolo Coehlo or Deepak Chopra.

I have a conviction, perhaps irrational, but no less deeply felt than the Pope's belief in a benevolent and omnipotent God, that anyone who goes for this kind of tree-hugging hippie crap is a morally and intellectually defective human being.
The new one is from Chopra, the endocrinologist-turned-spiritual guru.

Mr Chopra, something of a jack of all trades, has written about the relationship between quantum physics and healing, has speculated freely about the origins of life on earth, and argued that a key move towards peace in the Middle East would be to open a branch of Disneyland. His ideas, we're told, are helping to change the way the entire world thinks about "emotional wellness". He is, in other words, a complete booby.

Now he seems to have decided that the Kama Sutra would benefit from being anointed by the Chopra brand. It's now Deepak Chopra's Kama Sutra. Sorry, ancient Sanskrit-writin' dudes!

Here's how the puff for the paperback edition puts it:
Deepak Chopra's Kama Sutra brings together India's greatest living writer and ambassador of culture, Deepak Chopra, and India's most cherished and well-known text, the Kama Sutra.

Acclaimed and international bestselling author Deepak Chopra explores the universal themes of spirituality and sexuality and their role in connecting lovers emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Deepak Chopra's loyalty to the original Kama Sutra and ability to find its sacredness makes this unique book a modern classic and a definitive version for generations to come.

The text also includes The Seven Spiritual Laws of Love, Deepak's intensive meditation and affirmation of simple, practical applications that partners can bring to their relationship to enhance and entice their intimacy.

Favourite phrases? "Acclaimed and international… ability to find its sacredness… unique book... enhance and entice…" Find that sacredness, and entice that ole intimacy: "he-e-e-e-re, intimacy, intimacy… that's a good little intimacy… just a bit closer… there's a good intimacy… ye-e-e-e-s."

Personally, I think Deepak does have something to contribute to our love lives. Make sex last longer by waiting until the crucial moment, and… thinking of Deepak Chopra! No good for me, of course. I have a headache