Q: Who will make me a perfect wife?
A: A woman divorced from everything I've been looking for in a girlfriend.

For the most of my life it has been a complete mystery to me how you choose a girlfriend. Over and over I would meet some disco minx at a party - noticeable because despite being in a room of screamingly drunk people she would be the loudest, most drunk person in the room - and for some reason, probably to do with being drunk and loud myself, I would find this devastatingly attractive.

Then, and mates in Brisbane will be familiar with this sitcom of stupidity, I would wake up the next morning, declare myself in love. A month later I'd be asking, "Are all women mad?" A month after that one would get the self-reflective,"What is it about me? Why do I always go for nutters?" And then, as the relationship hit three month of its doomed trajectory, we get the "That's it, I'm done with females" whine and have been in this state of grumpy singledom for ages now.

Now I think it is time to face reality. For goodness sake, even my new found frisbee coach is in love. Keeps renditioning his new found love and his intention to send flowers to the lucky girl for Valentine's Day. Its like saccharine coated disease everyone around me is smitten with. Despite the fact in every other area of life we assume that a day older will mean a day wiser, when it comes to women this does not seem to hold true. I assume that this year I am better at being a person than I was last year. I take it for granted that I will get better in my career. So, how come, despite 08-odd years of involvement with women, I seem to have learnt nothing about how to pick a girlfriend? Are we destined to all be slaves to our hearts and our loins for ever and ever? And if so, what a world of pain that is - to be ruled by the cock and the insane glimmer that is the attraction of a mad woman across a crowded bar.

No, it is the time to say, "Stop!" Just as I once had to accept that no matter how hard I tried I was never going to be able to master that most primitive musical instrument, the tabla, so now the time has come to admit that I am never going to have a clue on what it is that makes for a good girlfriend, and so I must give up on that as well. Instead, I've decided to up the ante, to take game to a whole new level - I have decided to look for a wife.

On the surface, this may look like an act of gross folly - like accepting that I'm never going to master the tabla, and yet decide to approach Ustad Zakir Hussain (the most famous classical tabla player in India today) to become my guru.

But I think it makes sense, If you can't find a girlfriend who isn't a nutter maybe it's the quest at fault, not the object of the quest - maybe it's unrealistic to expect women to be anything other than cocaine-addled sociopaths who live for shoes and parties, when you go out to meet them at parties and find the ones with really high heels doing coke in the loos particularly attractive. Clunk! The sound of penny dropping...

But how does one find a wife, exactly? Well, like everything else in modern life, if you want advice you head to the Internet. Despite being a clever idea originally thought up to held research scientists share data, one of the best thing about the web is the huge outlet it gives to human bitterness - and firmly within this category you will find the excellent website nomarriage.com (motto:"If it flies, floats or fucks, you are better off renting it"). Now, this may give the impression that the site is biased against the ultimate commitment, but in fact the author (one presumes a hugely bitter and massively overweight, divorced, Internet-porn addict) provides what I, a newcomer to wife searching, consider to be some useful tips.

His first one is,"Be selfish. Look for wifely qualities, not girlfriend qualities." And immediately, I'm thinking,"Yes, Yes, oh overweight lord of loneliness." How many times have I fallen in love with someone who was great at dancing but couldn't rustle up breakfast unless it involved a trip to Starbucks?

The next one is, "Never marry a woman who has the same career ambitions as you do." That's not an issue here, cause finding woman in IT and peace in Middle East are both non-existent. "Avoid anyone in therapy," he says, "she is getting 50 minutes a week of 'how to hate men' brainwashing. It's expensive and you'll be expected to pay." Check. "Fidelity is important; never go out with a woman who, even occasionally, goes clubbing 'with the girls." Noted.

Other qualities to look for are:"Not complaining, not being moody, not being mad, no drug addicts, never marry a woman whose father is lawyer, never marry a woman you don't fancy - marriage is a long time so there will be rows and frostiness, and at least if you can fuck and forget it'll stop you straying."

To which I would add a couple more; if you have an obsessive interest (be it music, fishing or mountaineering) it's essential that you future wife doesn't share this, otherwise when are you ever going to get away from her? She should have nice breasts - we're all human and, as someone once said,"We all need a nice cleavage to nestle into come a winter's evening." And most important of all, make sure that she is solvent so that when you buy a house together you can afford a garden shed.

Apart from that, I leave you with a quote.
"Women are life elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no one likes to keep one." Well, maybe it's time to invest in a pachyderm.