A very personal form of resignation
In this, my final blog for 2006, I thought I'd do something a little more personal and emotional, and actually list all the flaws in my character that I would dearly love to change in 2007 but, unfortunately, all I could come up with were, maybe I should drink less water to save the dams, and maybe I'm too old to be using the expression "bust this, homeys, props to ma peeps."
So, because I'm pretty much a near-flawless specimen of magnificence, I've decided instead just to list all the things I've been doing in 2006, that I'll just keep doing next year, it's what I like to call my New Year's Resignations.
1. I will persevere with my loathing of lettuce. It's got nothing to do with the taste or texture, even though it's like eating crunchy Kleenex, but it just takes up too much room in my fridge. It won't fit into the vegetable bin, it won't squeeze into the bottom shelf, so it's got to go on the upper shelf, taking up prime fridge real estate, pushing the margarine and cream cheese so far up the back I have to nudge them out with a continental cucumber.
2. For another year, I will continue to enjoy any live TV interviews using satellite linkups. I love the three-second sound-delay while the person being interviewed waits for the question so, even though they may have just discovered a cure for cancer, they always look slightly stoned and glazed-over, like Courtney Love at a court hearing.
3. Pandas will keep on repulsing me, with their dopey smiles and splotchy faces, WHY DOES ANYONE LIKE A PANDA? They are just boorish bamboo chewing black and white oafs, with sunken junkie-eyes, that heroin-chic look was so '90s.
4. I vow to keep checking every spam email in my junk inbox, just in case, JUST IN CASE, an important email accidentally wound up in there, this happened to me recently, with all the emails I was getting my from my good friend, Penny Stocks. And another time, an email from my mother wound up in my junk inbox, I had to explain to her that it probably wasn't a great idea to entitle her emails "Son, are you having problems with erectile dysfunction?"
5. I don't know why, but Bono and his wonderful heartfelt generous charity work WILL CONTINUE TO REALLY REALLY IRK ME. I know he's just being caring and compassionate, but there's something deeply irky about him ridding the Third World of debt and saving the lives millions of starving children, it might be the indoor sunglasses.
6. I promise to persist with my appalling phone manner: I'm OK at the start of phone conversations, and I'm alright in the middle of phone conversations, but I have NOOOOOO idea how to end a phone conversation. I can't just finish with a normal "goodbye". Instead I usually do a sleazy "seeya, mate", or a dodgy "take care". Recently I was talking to a friend and, at the end of the conversation, I attempted an extremely regrettable "ciaociao for now-now", then I put down the phone, and we never mentioned it again.
7. I will continue to boycott Spiderman movies until Spiderman starts cleaning up after himself. He just sprays his webby-stuff all over New York City, it's a disgrace. Big jerk.
8. And finally, being the radical anti-establishment urban rebel that I am, I will continue to torment big businesses by going onto their websites, heading for their online merchandising page, then making like I'm going to buy something really expensive but, just when I have to type in my credit card details, quickly shutting off my computer, leaving them devastated because they've just lost a sale. Oh, yeah, I am a Menace 2 Society, homeys, props to ma peeps.