Dirty Dick and Co get sanitised

PUBS were traditionally the riotous hubs of British social life; dimly lit and smoky dens that were pretty much a law unto themselves. But life is being squeezed out of them by a growing list of rules and regulations.

Police in Preston, Lancashire, want a ban on “vertical drinking” in the city’s pubs. Drinking elbow-to-elbow in groups, they believe, leads to spilt pints and thrown punches. If punters are sitting quietly and divided by tables, they are more likely to keep their tempers cool. The “alcohol project manager” of the Preston police said that the problem was “the proximity of other people when you are stood up, which is where the problems can start”. One would have thought that the proximity of other people was the whole point to a pub.

These were the places for singing, dancing, fighting, pub games such as dice and backgammon, even animal racing and duck shooting. They were also the places for private affairs, where business was done — both above and below the table.

Although many pub names remain the same, inside they are being transformed into sanitised, smoke-free, brightly lit places, full of lists of cans and can’ts. The imminent smoking ban is only the half of it. The city authorities in Glasgow have banned glasses in clubs and late-night pubs — so pints come in plastic containers and bottles are decanted into plastic glasses — and had plans to enforce this in all the city’s pubs.

Customers are being treated like children, in need of supervision and advice on how much to drink, what to eat, how to get home, and how to date in a correct and responsible manner. Glasgow drinkers are effectively being made to drink out of plastic beakers — that are unpleasant to hold and make the beer taste bad — in case they have a tantrum and throw their glass around. Yet the public house was traditionally that most adult of places, where teenage boys went to try to prove they were men.

One heartening thought is that it’s unlikely that punters will obey all these rules for correct behaviour. Next to a sign warning about door slamming I saw a young couple in what looked like the later stages of foreplay; a quiet journey home was the last thing on their minds.